Day Twenty-Five: Coming out of the Rut

Must say, I am feeling good. I'm happier, healthier, more optimistic, more energetic. Went to work to get my check today and saw my ex talking to my boss--he used to work there with me three years ago--he didn't say hi of course, I had to do that. But honestly, I was relieved to see he'd gained 50lbs, was driving a wreck when he used to own a really nice car, and didn't look all that happy. In fact he looked old. He's about 37 now. 5 years ago he looked like he was still 23. Now, he looks 40. Is it bad that that makes me feel even better?

I've been exercising regularly this week, walks and wii. Even tried a Biggest Loser DVD....yeah I lasted through ten minutes of Level 1. Not good, but I'll keep working at it. I'm a bit sad. I used to be in much better shape, even though I've never been "thin." Used to run laps, play softball, bike. Now, I'm so sedentary. Have to change this, especially since I've re-awoken one of my lifelong goals: climbing Kilimanjaro. Someday, I don't know how, but someday not too far from today, I'll see the top of that mountain. I think all this exercise is making me a bit delusional.

Not only have I been getting more physical activity this week, I've been getting more sun. I won't lie, I'm paranoid of too much sunlight. So much so that I wear long sleeves outside, gallons of sunblock, and still stick to the shade. But I've been reading some of the newer findings on Vitamin D--the possibility of it reducing the risk of cancer and even slowing tumors or shrinking them, as well as its effect on depression--and honestly, I need to get my ass out in the sun. Sure I can get skin cancer, but if I wear spf I probably won't. Not to mention, skin cancer, if caught early on, is curable.

Almost one month now, and I feel like I'm going strong. This is it. This is the time it all works. Slow but steady progress, that's all I need.

Day Twenty-Two: Weigh-In 3

Ok, so I was a bit scared to step on the scale this week seeing as when I checked on Thursday, I hadn't lost a single pound. But I was happy to see that today I was down to 284.4. Which is about two lbs. Very happy with this. Since the human body can only burn 2lbs of fat a week, this makes me much more comfortable than losing ten pounds in two weeks like when I started.

Also, I've been exercising now. If you can technically call playing dance dance revolution exercise. Anything to get me off my arse. I also went for a walk--something I should really do more often. I know my pups would be happy to do it. The only thing is I can't go after dark b/c we have a bit of a mountain lion problem. Nearly came face to face with one a while back on a walk. Not something I want to relive. I'll have to find a way to schedule them in, though. Especially since I'm probably not going to take as many classes as I thought this semester.

Doesn't look like I'll get into my chem class. I'm disappointed, but not too much. I haven't been in a chem class in over two years. Perhaps I should go back a class anyways, get a fresh start. Besides, going part-time will give me more time to work on me and get everything in my life in order--and to think about what I actually WANT to do. Honestly, I'd love to just go to cooking school, but I'm still holding out for med school, at least for now. Hopefully the stress of that, if I decide on it, doesn't throw my weight loss efforts. So much to think about.

Day Sixteen: Utter disaster

First day back in a classroom in over a year. It was horrible. Only had two hours of sleep last night; couldn't get to bed for the life of me. I had a flat on the way to a class I'm wait listed in, so I didn't have time to call AAA to get it fixed because I HAD to be there--don't even think I'll get into it now. Had to use a can of fix-a-flat...not the best solution. But, it got me there. Then before my lecture for said class I had three hours, so I went to get it fixed. Luckily all the guys at the tire place were nice and it was free. Even helped loosen my jack since I couldn't get it out earlier. Went back to finish the lecture for the chem class I probably won't even take, and I start falling asleep during it. To the point where I literally don't know how long my eyes have been closed. It was only 1pm and I had two more classes. No way I was going to make it through them. So, I went home, emailed them, told them I had a flat and since I have the documentation to prove I did, they won't drop me.

I'm just really disappointed in myself right now. I ate too much today--though just over my 1800 calorie limit. And worse, I didn't go to all my classes. I can't fall into this habit. Yes, I only had two hours of sleep, and yes, the flat tire stress made me even more exhausted, but that doesn't excuse laziness. In that end, that's what it was. I was too lazy to push myself through it. I'm just glad I didn't binge on the candy my mom has laying around. At least, I was resilient enough for that.

Day Fifteen: Weigh-in 2

Drum roll please! I weigh....286.2lbs! Huge progress imo. Though of course the worry wart in me is wondering if it's actually safe to lose 10lbs in two weeks. Most likely, not. Still, I'm excited. It also means I get my first present to myself. Have to see what they have at Sam's Club today--might get a book instead of a movie, who knows. Actually, I did want that Spark book.

Also, I didn't touch a single piece of candy yesterday. Of course, it was too busy to even think of doing that. Didn't get out of the place until 15 minutes after I was supposed to leave. By then, I was too tired to remember what candy was.

Is it sad I had hoped the bf would swallow his pride and at least talk to me yesterday? He didn't. Even though I had told him Happy Vday. It's not even that I'm into Vday--I think it's a lot of commercialism and guys should be romantic despite some holiday. The point is I reached out first--and I don't think I was the one that should have. And he didn't even respond. I got more affection out one of my guy friends than I did from him.

Eh, I don't care. I lost 10lbs! *dances*

Day Fourteen: Trying to keep my cool

Things are getting really stressful for me. It's Valentine's Day, my boyfriend won't talk to me, classes start in two days, tomorrow's my second weigh-in, and I have to work 11 hours today--surrounded by candy. I'm crossing my fingers that I don't even think about eating any of it and maintaining a positive attitude, but I'm not superman and 11 hours is a long time. Luckily, I'm bringing lots of healthy food and grabbing some subway for lunch. Now I just need to bring some distractions.

Read an interesting article posted by Carissa at Have You Seen My Weight? about weight loss in men compared to in women. Pretty interesting. One thing that struck me was the visceral fat vs peripheral fat--the visceral fat in the abdomen is much unhealthier, but also easier to lose, men being more likely to have fat here. I am apple shaped; I've always hated it. Despite that it's so unhealthy to have fat in this region, I'm kind of glad it'll be easier to lose than the weight in my thighs and arms (which isn't as considerable)? Yeah had to phrase that in a question. Still not sure ease outweighs the potential danger I've put myself in by being this fat.

I've been thinking a lot about my health lately. Being that I don't have health insurance anymore and can't get it since I'm obese--not to mention can't afford it--I worry. Back when I used to get seen when I was going to school at Cal, my health was alright. Triglycerides were a bit high, but cholesterol was normal, as was my blood sugar (something I need to keep a close eye on, not only because I'm overweight, but because my mom has type I diabetes). Though, back then I weighed 50lbs less and I was much more active. I have to say, since I've been eating better I sure feel better. I'd feel even better if I would exercise, even if it's just hooking my wii up and playing some DDR. Might do that after this. I keep blaming my depression for my lack of energy and ambition. Can't keep doing that anymore. It only makes it worse and exercise and diet are proven to combat depression. Definitely time to get off my arse.

Day Ten: Not Giving in and Mini Goals

I didn't really want to bring personal problems into the mix, but they're really affecting my mood right now and of course it affects my eating habits. I've hardly slept the past two nights. My bf and I...well we seem to be over. We're taking a break. Do people ever come back from those and actually stay together? It's crushing, but I think we've both taken each other for granted one too many times.

Really, what makes it all worse now, is the urge to bury myself. Especially where food is concerned. I was proud of myself, however. Took one bite of ice cream instead of eating half a pint. Didn't go grab fast-food or other junk. I just hope it doesn't get much worse, because I don't know what else to channel my feelings of loss into. I wasn't expecting the first possible road bump to come so soon. We'll see how the next few days go.

My drive to move forward is still at a running pace, thankfully. I wrote up some mini goals and rewards this morning.

Mini goal 1: 260lbs
Reward: Manicure & Pedicure

Mini goal 2: 230lbs
Reward: New hair style

Mini goal 3: 200lbs
Reward: Piercing

Mini goal 4: 175lbs
Reward: Tattoo

Mini goal 5: 150lbs
Reward: Trip to NYC (Can anyone say Broadway?)

I also figured for every 10lbs I'd buy myself some tv dvds. I've been trying not to buy them, so it should be an incentive for me to lose weight to get the ones I've been waiting to grab. I'm missing some Lost, Grey's, Castle, Psych, M*A*S*H (Alan Alda <3). I'm crossing my fingers that the incentives are good enough to be long-lasting.

Day Eight: Weigh-in 1

Ok was nervous about getting on a scale again after last week, but....*dances* I'm excited.

Starting Weight: 296.6 lbs
Weigh-in One: 290.4 lbs

Granted, it's probably healthier to only lose 2lbs a week, and some of that could be water weight, bloating, etc...but it feels really good to already be down 6lbs. Maybe I'll do pictures next time. Though I highly doubt there'd be much of a difference.

Day Six: Off to a good start

Well it's been six days already and I have to say I'm off to a good--no, great--start. There was one day that I didn't bother too much to count calories, but as I've already decided that I'm going to allot myself one day a month to do that, I'm not disappointed. However, I do wish I had a bit more support from my family, but I knew from the start I probably wouldn't get what I wanted from them, and that's ok.

I'm realizing that when I eat healthier, and even when I'm eating less, I don't have as many cravings and I'm not as hungry as when I was eating nothing but crap. I suppose it's because I'm getting just what my body needs. Right now, though, I'm trying to figure out a way to cut back a little more on the fat. My plan, based on what I know of nutrition and biochem, is that about 40-50% of my calories should be from carbs, and fats and proteins should be between 25-30% each. However, I'd prefer if fat were 20-25%. Something I should work on a bit over the next week.

As far as exercising goes, well, I'm still being lazy. I need to get off my ass and stop making excuses such as the weather and my period (which I'm finally glad I got after not getting one last month. Anyone else have irregular periods when their weight is higher? Something I should see an ob-gyn about, perhaps since it could be something else.) If I'm not doing something 4 day a week by the time I start class, I really should sit down and write out a schedule. I hate doing it, but I tend to stick to things better when they're on paper.

I'm also working on determining and setting some mini-goals--and perhaps "rewards" for them. A little incentive never hurt...

Day One: Expectations and Goals (repost)

Having grandiose plans to lose weight and actually having practical goals are two separate things, I suppose. Every time I've tried in the past, I've aimed towards the improbable--not thinking for once that I was already one foot in the "grave." So this time, I'm changing my mindset before I change my lifestyle.

Expectations

• I will be honest, not just with others, but also with myself: For me, this isn't the easiest part. Most of the people I know and keep in contact with are friends I have met online--which keeps who I am and what I look like comfortably anonymous. And not that I really believe that I have to divulge more information than makes me comfortable, it allows room for the illusion to cloud my own vision of myself.
• Takes things slowly, one step at a time: In the past I've always rushed, frantic to start losing--and only fell flat on my face. Now I realize than in order to succeed, I need a strong foundation, and that means speed isn't a priority.
• Make changes for life, not for right now: This isn't a diet. I won't stop eating things because "when I'm thin I won't have to worry so much." When I'm healthy and at my goal weight, I'll still have the same predisposition to put on weight--that's genetic and metabolic. I have to change the way I approach and feel about food.

Goals

• To adopt a regular exercise routine by the end of February.
• To eat a well balanced diet, with fewer processed foods, more fruits and vegetables, and less fats.
• To not brood on failure, but to see each relapse or misstep as a learning experience.
• To reach my goal weight within two years time: 150lbs.