Day Eighty-Three: Taking a Break

Things are really bad for me at home right now, so I'm taking a break from blogging. Going to keep up with everything else, but I just can't do it all right now.

Day Eighty: Denying Cravings

I've been so, SO hungry today. I don't know what it is. Every time I've turned around I'm denying cravings to shove food in my mouth. What's worse...all I wanted was fast food. Not even subway...but Carl's Jr., McDonalds. It's honestly like those weight watcher commercials with "hungry" constantly hanging over me. I nearly broke too. I was so ready to just cave in and go to McDonald's after work. But...I didn't. Even though I had barely eaten today, I held off to have a decent meal when I got home. Glad I waited too--because McDonald fries seriously don't compare to baked sweet potato fries. Not that I would have gotten french fries...I think.

I blame the hungry thing on waking up so late today. Didn't roll out of bed until after 10--I felt so lazy. It really screws me up to wake up any later than 9. With me staying up and sleeping in over spring break, it might take a while to get it fixed. Hopefully not too long. I don't want another day like today.

Finished W3D1 yesterday. It was a lot easier than I was afraid it would be. It didn't even bother me running that long barefoot--it's definitely getting easier. I think I'm finally building up some calluses. I probably won't be able to do the entire C25K barefoot, but I'll definitely have to wait to finish to get some vibrams. Trying to save up some money and things are getting tight right now--and I need to set aside money for my mom's birthday next month.

Unofficially, I stepped on the scale today. 258lbs. I'm under my mini-goal! Of course it won't be official until Monday, but I'm ecstatic. I haven't weighed less than 260lbs in over two and a half years. Soon, someday very soon, I'll be thin. This is the time it all works, I'm sure of it now.

Day Seventy-Eight: Weight-in 11

I'm SO close to my mini-goal. 261.2lbs. I don't know why but I was hoping I'd be able to do it this week, even though it would have been over three pounds to lose. Not too disappointed though. Last week wasn't fantastic as far as staying in my calorie range. Plus I had a few beers last week I didn't count--and that I definitely don't regret. I hardly drink. So it's been a treat.

Saturday I finished W2D3, barefoot again. The balls of my feet were blistered and my calves were killing me by the end of it, but I made it. I think when I finish the C25K, I'm going to get a pair of Vibrams. That will be my reward for finishing. Maybe if I set a reward for my core workout/crunches, I'd actually do them. I swear, I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't wait to get up in the morning and go work out, but crunches? I'd rather not, thanks. Next month I think I'll start doing pilates instead. Hopefully, that will ll be more enticing and not so boring. Still, I really should finish them this month. Someone kick my butt for me!

I'm looking forward to tomorrow and starting the next week of C25K. Though I admit, I'm nervous about being able to run for 3 minutes. I've ran for seven minutes straight before I started this, but it still feels like something to tackle. Hopefully I'm in better spirits. Today...has been horrible. Constantly fighting with my mom today has drained me. I didn't even think I'd find the motivation to go work out, but I was glad I did--it helped relieve some of the stress. Tomorrow has to be better. It just has to be.

Day Seventy-Four: Disaster

Well today officially marked TOM, and while I would have rather laid in bed finishing my book (The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova) and cuddling my heating pad, I decided around 12:30 that I should get off my arse and go down to the exercise room to work out. Besides, today I was going to try running barefoot--something I had read about, but hadn't thought of doing until Jess mentioned it on her blog. Actually, I'm looking forward to my C25K days a lot more than my regular elliptical days. Something about running is just freeing--even if I'm not going anywhere on the treadmill--, where as I can feel so trapped behind the elliptical.

So I get dressed and go down to complete W2D2. Even though I wanted to be barefoot, I decide to keep my socks on for the run. Big mistake. The rubbing of the coarse cotton was terrible. So what was it like? One, I walked slower than usual, but I found running easier. I also noticed a definite change in my posture and even the way I landed on my feet--more forward, near the ball of my foot. Best way I found to describe it was this little snippet I found on running form from Running Planet: "As a distance runner, your most efficient foot plant is one in which your foot lands directly under your hips or your center of gravity. You may land on the ball of your foot or flat footed. The ideal landing position is slightly toward the outside edge of your foot, just behind your little toe. Your foot would then naturally roll slightly inward while pushing off over your big toe. The slight inward roll of your foot is called pronation and provides some cushioning during the running stride." Sounds good to me! If I can run like this all the time, I'm even willing to put up with the initial blisters I have right now. I'm going to do the next day completely barefoot and see how I like it.

Warning this may be TMI: Aside from all the excitement of running barefoot, working out today was a disaster. I kept pausing my workout instead of changing speed; I must have done that three or four times. Why is the pause button so close to the speed buttons? Why? Really. So inefficient. And then......23 minutes into the workout, the unthinkable happens. I drop my ipod and as I'm picking it up off the ground, I suddenly have to pee...and I can't hold it. The closest bathroom is still minutes away, so I'm crossing my legs and wiggling around. It doesn't help. I start to pee my pants anyways. Quickly I rush outside, run around the building and pull my pants down, hoping no one's looking. I could have gone home then. I could have given up in shame, gone home, cleaned up and left it at that. But I didn't. I mustered what courage and pride I had left, walked back in there and finished the run. Then after I went home and cleaned up and changed, I went back down and got on the elliptical for another 15 and lifted weights. ...I am a trooper. Seriously.

On the other hand, 1426 pages read so far this month. Go me!

Day Seventy-Two: Weigh-in 10

Weight 4/12:263.4 lbs!

3.4lbs more to go before my mini-goal! I seriously didn't expect that big of a weight loss last week with me going over my calories on most days. But, I guess that big hike and the addition of the C25K program really helped! Mostly, I think it might have been the hike. I weighed myself on Friday and was sitting at 265.4lbs, so definitely was a big jump from that. Looks like I wasn't too swollen or bloated after all!

Week 2, Day 1 of the C25K was just completed this morning. This day...kicked my ass a bit. I tried the running bits at 4.7, but halfway through, I had to slow back down to 4.5. My calves were burning and I was getting to be out of breath after a minute of running--even the walking wasn't slowing my breathing down enough towards the end. So I think I'm going to have to stick with 4.5 for now. The important part isn't the speed, the important part is doing it and sticking with it! A big thanks to Anna and Jess for being my inspiration for starting this and wanting to run as badly as I do! You guys are awesome!

I have a confession to make. I hate crunches. So, I've missed a day of crunches and right now I don't feel like doing them today either. Sigh. But I will. I promise. I will get off my lazy bum and on the floor and do them.

Edit @ 12:38pm
Jess described herself as being more than a number on a scale and asked who everyone is (definitely a must read post). So I thought I'd share my response to her post on my blog..I modded it a bit too:

I’m an anthropologist who's going to get her degree in bio chem, too! I’m an amateur-baker, knitter, a writer, an avid-reader, and even though I’m no longer interested in it professionally, I’m a singer and actor. I’m also a dog lover and a nature lover–a soon to be hiker and runner. I’m a girlfriend and a daughter and a niece and friend and someday I’ll be a mother and wife. And no matter what, I know that people love me for who I am, not what I look like or what the scale says.

Day Seventy: The 6.3 Mile Hike and onto Week 2

Well I successfully finished day three of week one in the C25K program! I have to say, the last one was a bit harder. The first one took a bit of getting used to and, as I mentioned, left my legs feeling cramped. The second one was a breeze, a little tightness in my legs, but overall not bad; I think I stretched better that day. Today, however, kicked my butt for two reasons. One: I pushed myself a bit harder this time by running at 4.7 instead of 4.5 on the treadmill--I'm walking at 3.5. Two, yesterday's hike.

I have to say, if I could have picked any day to hike the Santa Rosa Plateau, it would have definitely been Saturday. Temperatures didn't top 75 degrees. There were big, puffy, white clouds in the sky--in fact when we first started out at about 9:30am, it was overcast. Sadly, this also means I didn't bring sun screen--and trust me, I'm paying for it! I don't tan; I burn because I'm sooo pale. So even though my lotion had spf in it, 25 wasn't enough to cover me for 4 hours.

The hike in itself was good. I wouldn't say it was too hard. There were definitely some points where I was out of breath. Because I took my mom, and she's in worse shape than I am (even though she is a tad bit thinner than I am), that also meant stopping frequently so she could recover--something I wasn't to ecstatic about since I walk faster and I'm an impatient walker. However, it was worth it, even if my shoulders and back ache from carrying a 10lb pack and my legs are stiff. Would I do it again? Definitely. In fact, I'm going to find a place to hike every month. Would I bring my mom again? Maybe not. I might find a better hiking partner who's evenly matched with me. Then again, I want my mom to get healthy and to get in shape too. We'll see. Next time, I'll definitely bring a camera, though. Can't believe I forgot one yesterday!

Weigh-in tomorrow...plus it's almost TOM. Hopefully I'm not too bloated tomorrow and my joints aren't as swelled. Either way I'm not too worried. Apparently 200 minutes of hiking equates to about 3200 calories burned.

Day Sixty-Seven: Day two of C25K

Well I've done day two of the C25K workout program today. I have to say it's not bad. I warm up for 5 minutes, jog/walk the program for the 20 minutes, and cool down for another 5 before heading over to the elliptical. The only complain I have is that by the 6th repeat, my calves start to ache. I stretch for a few minutes before I get on the treadmill--maybe I should be stretching more. I was going to do the third day on Saturday, but I might do it tomorrow seeing as Saturday I plan on going on a 6 mile hike. Plan on going to the Santa Rose Plateau to see the vernal pools and hike the loop. Had to con my mom into going--she didn't want me going alone--but if she sways back to her stance of not wanting to go, I think I'm going to head down there by myself.

Have been eating a bit more than usual lately. Pretty much hitting the roof of my 1800 cal limit. Which is odd considering that up until now I generally had a hard time hitting 1500. Could be due to the fact TOM is coming. Or it could be the homemade meals. Seems I'm hungrier when the food is more appetizing, go figure!

Other than that...it's spring break time! Which pretty much means that, after my psych test today all I want to do is doing some leisure reading, visit a few places, and sleep in!

Day Sixty-Four: Weigh-In 9

Weight 4/5: 266.6lbs That's 30lbs. Time for another reward! 10lbs, I bought a book, 20lbs I bought movies, 30lbs...perhaps another book. I've run out of room for movies. Don't even ask how many I have.

Sometimes, I honestly feel redundant when I mention that I've lose weight for yet another week. It's almost like I'm not having problems losing weight--which, ok, in all honesty I'm not. Still...it's almost too easy. Makes me wonder why I didn't do it before or why some of the people I know have such a hard time. Alright, I do. It's not easy. I suppose a lot of it is state of mind and overcoming the psychological aspects that have to do with why people eat. Why did I eat? Boredom. Depression. Gluttony. Greed. Looking back on it, I think those are the reasons. Now however, I can't imagine eating differently than I do. Still, I need to keep pushing and keep that drive going in the back of my head so that I don't fall off the horse. Every time I think of keeping on top of my weight loss efforts, I can't help thinking of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: "Constant vigilance"--yes I'm a huge dork.

Oh and before I forget...again...time for more goals.

April Weight Loss Goals

Reach my mini-goal: 260lbs. This shouldn't be hard considering I'm losing more than 2lbs a week. Still, I think I might be reaching a tad bit. But at the same time, that's a good thing. Constant vigilance.

Start the C25K program. I won't lie. I'm a bit daunted by this, but I want to run. I really want it. And even if I'm not in the best shape now and I still have my asthma to worry about, this looks easy enough to do.

Core/Ab workout 3x a week. Since this is the area where I have the most fat and the area that even when I weighed less, I neglected, I think it's about time I showed it some attention. I think next month I'm going to start doing pilates to work on my core, but for now, it's a regiment of crunches and some planks.

Start cooking more. This could go under my other goals, but I'm going to put it here. Mostly, I think processed, prepackaged food definitely isn't the way to go. It's convenient, of course, but so unhealthy for the most part. Sadly, I don't have a lot of time to cook between classes and working 7 days a week. I'm just going to have to make more of an effort, however.

April Non-Weight Goals

Blog three times a week. Wow. I'm a pathetic blogger. I need to start following and getting followers in return, but to do that, obviously, I need to blog more. Since MWF are my less busy day, I'll aim for those.

Start knitting again. As I'm getting happier and my depression is ebbing...I'm also getting bored. My mind is more active, and while it's not necessarily brain conditioning, it's something to keep me occupied. I like having my hands busy. Maybe I'll even hand out knitted gifts again this year!

Read 2000 pages. Random as the above goal, but...I miss reading. I just finished rereading the last four Harry Potter books (like I said, nerd), and it made me realize just how much I miss reading. So I'm going to compile some books I've been meaning to read, pull a few I never got around to off my shelf, and look for some inspiring biographies perhaps.

Go down to see a school counselor. Putting that back on the list for obvious reasons. I need to know where to go from here. Considering I'm feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed, this is a good place to start.

For now I think that's it. I have more things I want to do, but I'm pacing myself. I'll finish those and then see if I can work on some more. Until Wednesday *crosses fingers*

Day Sixty: I'm proud of myself

Well it's another month. That's two down! And if I say so myself, I've done pretty damn good. Before I break into my goals for this month...time to see if I did what I set out to do last month.

March weight-related goals:
Exercise! 600+ minutes of cardio this month and 90+ minutes of weights. Check! Totaled in at 857 minutes cardio and 260 minutes weights/core.

Continue to eat well. Definitely have managed this!

Lose 6lbs this month. Lost more than 6lbs--actually I've lost twice as much. 12.8lbs!

March non-weight-related goals:
Go see a school counselor about transferring back to a 4-year university.....didn't do that. I really do need to, but I suppose it's not something I need to do until the end of the semester and it also requires getting my transcripts--which isn't wholly possible right now.

Pay my car registration and set some money aside. Managed both! Set money aside for a hair cut I got yesterday/today (I had to go back to get it fixed....)

Contact the study abroad director about Morocco. Completely ridiculous, but I honestly didn't do this. Which is sad. It's a simple email. *vows to do this the second she finishes writing this blog*

Keep my room clean. Managed to succeed at this as well! Desk has been a bit cluttered at times, but what could I expect, it happens.

Start outlining and doing character development for my novel. I've taken the plot back to scratch? Eh, it was worth a try, but a lame excuse.

Keep affirming myself that I am indeed awesome. Psh, like I need reminding. I'm so awesome, it's a reflex.

A good month's progress I should say. Sure I didn't do a few things, but I'm not going to punish myself for it. I'm working on just striving to be better, not making excuses, and worse of all, getting down on myself for not following through. The only way I'll ever have follow through is if I learn to let it go.

However, I think my drive to do what I need to do is improving. Today for example, I was having a rough day. Yesterday I had gotten half my hair chopped off...literally. Six inches yesterday. Well...the layers in the back were very choppy and uneven, but I couldn't tell with how she styled it. So I went home and inevitably, my hair fell...and I could see. Disaster. It was totally wrong. The sides didn't match up, the layers were hideous and she didn't even angle it enough with the front. So I cried and fretted before my mom made me go back this morning and get it fixed. Luckily I got the manager doing my hair this time and it looks so much better. Took four more inches of the back so it was the angular bob I asked for and then blended in the layers she couldn't get rid of. Long story short...this on top of an enormous fight with a certain guy I should have given up on long ago made me want to lie in bed and not go to class. Yet, I went. Kicking and screaming and even wanting to get up in the middle of bother classes I went. Go me!

And now, I'm exhausted. Will definitely post April goals tomorrow when I have more time!

Day Fifty-Seven: Weigh-in 8

That's two months now of success...well relatively two months...two lunar months--there that sounds better. I'm down to 269.0lbs! Only 9lbs from my mini-goal. It's hard to believe now that I ever doubted I could even lose this much. Even better, my BMI is 0.9 points away from morbid obesity. Granted, I have a ways to go before I'm just overweight or in a healthy weight range, but that means something.

I've been sick since my last post. Seems my allergies triggered a sinus infection and post-nasal drip...which has now caused a nasty cough and what feels like a mild case of bronchitis. So, I've been sleeping late in the mornings and drinking a lot of tea. Actually, all I drank at work yesterday was hot tea. Which definitely helped pass the 11 hours--well reading Harry Potter might have helped a bit more than the tea, but at least the tea made breathing bearable. I would have skipped work, but I can't. Not only do I need the money, but my boss wasn't even in town yesterday.

I was actually concerned that being sick would make me careless in what I eat, but overall, I wasn't. I even exercised most days. Though I did take yesterday off due to the bronchitis. Seems as though nothing's going to slow me down.

Day Fifty-One: Weigh-in 7

Current Weight: 273.4lbs
Current Mood: Exuberant

Sadly, I think I'm getting sick. That or my allergies are bothering me. I have a sore throat, which doesn't seem like much, but I always get a sore throat before I get sick. I was also around my cousin's baby all weekend....my cousin's always-sick baby. Children are receptacles for germs.

Aside from that, it's been a good week. My eating's been pretty normal except for two things. One: My mom decided to buy three dozen cookies for visiting family. They didn't stay long enough to eat three dozen...actually they didn't eat any at all. So I've eaten one or two a day. I really shouldn't, and I know I shouldn't, but I'm still fitting them into my fats and calories, so it's not too bad. Two: I went out to eat twice this weekend. On Saturday we went to Olive Garden for my cousin's birthday. Mostly, I had salad and pasta with marinara. Was really filling and I don't think I consumed more than I should have--I boxed half of it and had it for dinner--but it was just too many carbs and not enough protein that day. Then on Sunday family showed up yet again (still they didn't eat any cookies), but we went to PF Chang's and I ate considerably more. Not as much as I would have a few months ago, but still more than I would have liked. I also didn't know I was going out, so I didn't exactly plan it out for the day. But, I still lost 2lbs. So, overall, I don't think it affected me too much.

Also, it's TOM. Not sure I'm bloated; I feel a bit bloated. Perhaps an extra pound? What do I care. As long as I'm losing.

Day Fourty-Six: Weigh-in 6 and Daydreaming

Well, I'm later than I was last week and haven't blogged anything in between. I think perhaps next month I'll make it a goal to blog more. But for now I'm just so busy. I've been keeping up on everything weight-related but this, luckily. Exercise 6 days a week, lift weights 3 days a week..might find some core exercises for days I'm not lifting. Overall, I'm starting to see an improvement. Which, considering how much I have to lose, is encouraging.

275.6 lbs. Down another two pounds from last week. I was worried I wouldn't lose anything this week, considering we went out for sushi last week and got the all you can eat deal. I had a cucumber roll and a caterpillar roll, but I know I ate to much--considering I wasn't hungry until 7 hours later. Definitely won't be doing that again. One roll is more than enough. I didn't beat myself up over it. If I had, I would have binged that entire night and felt too crappy to get back on the horse the next day. Instead, I just shrugged and carried on. Lesson learned.

I'm also more than halfway to my mini goal. 15.6 more lbs! If I keep things up, I should meet it right before mother's day--which is also my mom's birthday. So spa day for the both of us! That or Disneyland. Haven't been there in a while. The only problem I have with Disneyland is that, while I've never had a problem getting on the rides before, that's always a big concern with me. Perhaps we'll hold that trip off until next year--or even the end of the year.

On another note...I've been daydreaming a lot lately. About things I'll do when I reach my goal weight--or get near to my goal weight. Something in the back of my mind keeps telling me to stop, that I could be setting myself up for failure if I don't focus on the present. However, the daydreams make me happy, I guess you could say. One could call them a motivator. Right now, they're mostly a happy distraction from my workout and much preferable to counting down the seconds until I'm done (which, let's face it, I do anyways). What do you think? Healthy or perhaps a bit harmful?

Day Thirty-Seven: Weigh-in 5

Didn't post yesterday since I've been so busy lately. Worked 11 hours sunday, and haven't stopped working since the first. Between school and work, it's like I have no time--which isn't true. I have time, but I'm filling it. It honestly feels so good to be back on my feet and being an active member of society after spending the past year doing pretty much nothing but sleeping and sitting in front of my computer. It's pretty much true that you can gauge how depressed someone is by how often they shower. I shower every day now. Seems expected or even odd that I didn't before, but the truth was I used to go 3, 4, even 5 days without showering. That's how far I had let myself go. Not to mention, finally, I'm at the weight I was a year ago: 277.4 lbs. Only 17 lbs to go to reach my mini-goal. Honestly it was more than I expected to lose but, I'm ecstatic that this time around is working effectively.

I'm trying to pinpoint that moment of change where I decided I was responsible for making myself happier and healthier. I don't think it was one moment, because obviously I've tried (and failed) to do this before. It seems I just got sick of my excuses. Things weren't going to change on my own. I wasn't going to wake up one day and magically have the energy and ambition required to be where I hope to get in the future. Even now, I have the mentality that "I don't wanna." I don't want to work out or don't want to count my calories or limit what I'm eating or drink eight glasses of water instead of eight cans of diet coke. But I do. I just don't know why. I guess part of it is because I'm a creature of habit. Once something becomes a routine in life, I adapt and don't change much. It becomes part of who I am. Either way *cue McDonald's theme* I'm lovin' it.

Day Thirty-One: March Goals

Well, last month was great. I honestly did better than I expected. My diet's done a 180, I feel healthier and more energetic. I still don't have a set work-out routine like I would have hoped, but that's ok. I was trying a few things out last month. This month, I'll definitely work more at that. With that said, here's some goals for March! Going to follow Mango's lead and split this in to two sections...

Weight-related goals:
Exercise! 600+ minutes of cardio this month and 90+ minutes of weights. 90 doesn't sound like a lot, but if I'm working my legs running or on the elliptical, then I can just focus on arms and abs--doesn't take that long, since I'm not a body builder. Maybe ten minutes, three times a week, maybe more. We'll see.

Continue to eat well. Right now I'm eating anywhere from 1500 to 1800 calories a day and I try to keep it varied so my body doesn't adapt so quickly. Generally, about 40% of my cals are carbs and 25-30% are fats, which is well on track.

Lose 6lbs this month. I think this is reasonable. It's less than 2lbs a week. Obviously, I won't lose weight like I did at first, but I can still lose a reasonable amount.

Non-weight-related goals:
Go see a school counselor about transferring back to a 4-year university. I'd love to go back to Berkeley. I doubt I ever will. So, we'll see if I can get in down in Southern California.

Pay my car registration and set some money aside. Yay for working more hours--even if it is every damn day and I'm busier than hell now!

Contact the study abroad director about Morocco.

Keep my room clean. Why is it clothes end up in every place possible?

Start outlining and doing character development for my novel. I started writing a novel last November. Let's get that baby finished!

Keep affirming myself that I am indeed awesome. I could use some extra self-esteem, some positivity. It's coming on slowly the past week...hopefully, it keeps coming!

And now I'm off to work! Thanks you guys for your constant support and for reading!

Day Twenty-Nine: Weigh-In 4

One month. I've been successfully losing weight and changing my eating habits for one month. Go me! If everything goes well from here on out, I should meet my first mini-goal around the middle of May. Today I weighed in, and was a bit scared considering it's that time of the month, but I was happy to see the results: 281.8! I've lost 14.8lbs in one month! I know that this probably will plateau soon--or at least eventually--and that soon this is going to get harder and I may have to change up what I'm doing. Right now, however, I have to say that for the first time in a long time, I'm proud of myself. I'm usually so hard on myself, but now, I feel like I can do just about anything if I can keep this up. And I know I can.

I tried running today. I won't lie, it was terrible. My sports bra was too tight and it kept rubbing, my ipod bounced too much in my pocket, and my asthma kicked in pretty quickly. But, I made it down the hill (wasn't a really steep incline), and then walked back up it...maybe a quarter of a mile. I feel crazy, but I really want to run despite my asthma and everything else I have working against me. Maybe I should find something easier though. Not sure yet, but I'm going to try again tomorrow and every morning the rest of the week. If it doesn't go well, it doesn't and I move on.

This month might be a bit more difficult. I picked up more hours at work and, because of it, things will have to change a bit. No more late evening dinners, since I work nights 6 days a week--have to eat at 6, which I actually hate. I like eating at 8. Hopefully it'll be good for me, though. I'll make more money for better rewards for meeting my goals and I'll be able to pay some bills off. Planning a trip to Spokane to see my best friend and, if I can get financial aid for it, since it's technically a study abroad program, I'm off to Morocco for two weeks. This is BIG. I can't emphasize how big. Morocco is the number one place I have to go before I die. Cross your fingers for me, please!!

Day Twenty-Five: Coming out of the Rut

Must say, I am feeling good. I'm happier, healthier, more optimistic, more energetic. Went to work to get my check today and saw my ex talking to my boss--he used to work there with me three years ago--he didn't say hi of course, I had to do that. But honestly, I was relieved to see he'd gained 50lbs, was driving a wreck when he used to own a really nice car, and didn't look all that happy. In fact he looked old. He's about 37 now. 5 years ago he looked like he was still 23. Now, he looks 40. Is it bad that that makes me feel even better?

I've been exercising regularly this week, walks and wii. Even tried a Biggest Loser DVD....yeah I lasted through ten minutes of Level 1. Not good, but I'll keep working at it. I'm a bit sad. I used to be in much better shape, even though I've never been "thin." Used to run laps, play softball, bike. Now, I'm so sedentary. Have to change this, especially since I've re-awoken one of my lifelong goals: climbing Kilimanjaro. Someday, I don't know how, but someday not too far from today, I'll see the top of that mountain. I think all this exercise is making me a bit delusional.

Not only have I been getting more physical activity this week, I've been getting more sun. I won't lie, I'm paranoid of too much sunlight. So much so that I wear long sleeves outside, gallons of sunblock, and still stick to the shade. But I've been reading some of the newer findings on Vitamin D--the possibility of it reducing the risk of cancer and even slowing tumors or shrinking them, as well as its effect on depression--and honestly, I need to get my ass out in the sun. Sure I can get skin cancer, but if I wear spf I probably won't. Not to mention, skin cancer, if caught early on, is curable.

Almost one month now, and I feel like I'm going strong. This is it. This is the time it all works. Slow but steady progress, that's all I need.

Day Twenty-Two: Weigh-In 3

Ok, so I was a bit scared to step on the scale this week seeing as when I checked on Thursday, I hadn't lost a single pound. But I was happy to see that today I was down to 284.4. Which is about two lbs. Very happy with this. Since the human body can only burn 2lbs of fat a week, this makes me much more comfortable than losing ten pounds in two weeks like when I started.

Also, I've been exercising now. If you can technically call playing dance dance revolution exercise. Anything to get me off my arse. I also went for a walk--something I should really do more often. I know my pups would be happy to do it. The only thing is I can't go after dark b/c we have a bit of a mountain lion problem. Nearly came face to face with one a while back on a walk. Not something I want to relive. I'll have to find a way to schedule them in, though. Especially since I'm probably not going to take as many classes as I thought this semester.

Doesn't look like I'll get into my chem class. I'm disappointed, but not too much. I haven't been in a chem class in over two years. Perhaps I should go back a class anyways, get a fresh start. Besides, going part-time will give me more time to work on me and get everything in my life in order--and to think about what I actually WANT to do. Honestly, I'd love to just go to cooking school, but I'm still holding out for med school, at least for now. Hopefully the stress of that, if I decide on it, doesn't throw my weight loss efforts. So much to think about.

Day Sixteen: Utter disaster

First day back in a classroom in over a year. It was horrible. Only had two hours of sleep last night; couldn't get to bed for the life of me. I had a flat on the way to a class I'm wait listed in, so I didn't have time to call AAA to get it fixed because I HAD to be there--don't even think I'll get into it now. Had to use a can of fix-a-flat...not the best solution. But, it got me there. Then before my lecture for said class I had three hours, so I went to get it fixed. Luckily all the guys at the tire place were nice and it was free. Even helped loosen my jack since I couldn't get it out earlier. Went back to finish the lecture for the chem class I probably won't even take, and I start falling asleep during it. To the point where I literally don't know how long my eyes have been closed. It was only 1pm and I had two more classes. No way I was going to make it through them. So, I went home, emailed them, told them I had a flat and since I have the documentation to prove I did, they won't drop me.

I'm just really disappointed in myself right now. I ate too much today--though just over my 1800 calorie limit. And worse, I didn't go to all my classes. I can't fall into this habit. Yes, I only had two hours of sleep, and yes, the flat tire stress made me even more exhausted, but that doesn't excuse laziness. In that end, that's what it was. I was too lazy to push myself through it. I'm just glad I didn't binge on the candy my mom has laying around. At least, I was resilient enough for that.

Day Fifteen: Weigh-in 2

Drum roll please! I weigh....286.2lbs! Huge progress imo. Though of course the worry wart in me is wondering if it's actually safe to lose 10lbs in two weeks. Most likely, not. Still, I'm excited. It also means I get my first present to myself. Have to see what they have at Sam's Club today--might get a book instead of a movie, who knows. Actually, I did want that Spark book.

Also, I didn't touch a single piece of candy yesterday. Of course, it was too busy to even think of doing that. Didn't get out of the place until 15 minutes after I was supposed to leave. By then, I was too tired to remember what candy was.

Is it sad I had hoped the bf would swallow his pride and at least talk to me yesterday? He didn't. Even though I had told him Happy Vday. It's not even that I'm into Vday--I think it's a lot of commercialism and guys should be romantic despite some holiday. The point is I reached out first--and I don't think I was the one that should have. And he didn't even respond. I got more affection out one of my guy friends than I did from him.

Eh, I don't care. I lost 10lbs! *dances*

Day Fourteen: Trying to keep my cool

Things are getting really stressful for me. It's Valentine's Day, my boyfriend won't talk to me, classes start in two days, tomorrow's my second weigh-in, and I have to work 11 hours today--surrounded by candy. I'm crossing my fingers that I don't even think about eating any of it and maintaining a positive attitude, but I'm not superman and 11 hours is a long time. Luckily, I'm bringing lots of healthy food and grabbing some subway for lunch. Now I just need to bring some distractions.

Read an interesting article posted by Carissa at Have You Seen My Weight? about weight loss in men compared to in women. Pretty interesting. One thing that struck me was the visceral fat vs peripheral fat--the visceral fat in the abdomen is much unhealthier, but also easier to lose, men being more likely to have fat here. I am apple shaped; I've always hated it. Despite that it's so unhealthy to have fat in this region, I'm kind of glad it'll be easier to lose than the weight in my thighs and arms (which isn't as considerable)? Yeah had to phrase that in a question. Still not sure ease outweighs the potential danger I've put myself in by being this fat.

I've been thinking a lot about my health lately. Being that I don't have health insurance anymore and can't get it since I'm obese--not to mention can't afford it--I worry. Back when I used to get seen when I was going to school at Cal, my health was alright. Triglycerides were a bit high, but cholesterol was normal, as was my blood sugar (something I need to keep a close eye on, not only because I'm overweight, but because my mom has type I diabetes). Though, back then I weighed 50lbs less and I was much more active. I have to say, since I've been eating better I sure feel better. I'd feel even better if I would exercise, even if it's just hooking my wii up and playing some DDR. Might do that after this. I keep blaming my depression for my lack of energy and ambition. Can't keep doing that anymore. It only makes it worse and exercise and diet are proven to combat depression. Definitely time to get off my arse.

Day Ten: Not Giving in and Mini Goals

I didn't really want to bring personal problems into the mix, but they're really affecting my mood right now and of course it affects my eating habits. I've hardly slept the past two nights. My bf and I...well we seem to be over. We're taking a break. Do people ever come back from those and actually stay together? It's crushing, but I think we've both taken each other for granted one too many times.

Really, what makes it all worse now, is the urge to bury myself. Especially where food is concerned. I was proud of myself, however. Took one bite of ice cream instead of eating half a pint. Didn't go grab fast-food or other junk. I just hope it doesn't get much worse, because I don't know what else to channel my feelings of loss into. I wasn't expecting the first possible road bump to come so soon. We'll see how the next few days go.

My drive to move forward is still at a running pace, thankfully. I wrote up some mini goals and rewards this morning.

Mini goal 1: 260lbs
Reward: Manicure & Pedicure

Mini goal 2: 230lbs
Reward: New hair style

Mini goal 3: 200lbs
Reward: Piercing

Mini goal 4: 175lbs
Reward: Tattoo

Mini goal 5: 150lbs
Reward: Trip to NYC (Can anyone say Broadway?)

I also figured for every 10lbs I'd buy myself some tv dvds. I've been trying not to buy them, so it should be an incentive for me to lose weight to get the ones I've been waiting to grab. I'm missing some Lost, Grey's, Castle, Psych, M*A*S*H (Alan Alda <3). I'm crossing my fingers that the incentives are good enough to be long-lasting.

Day Eight: Weigh-in 1

Ok was nervous about getting on a scale again after last week, but....*dances* I'm excited.

Starting Weight: 296.6 lbs
Weigh-in One: 290.4 lbs

Granted, it's probably healthier to only lose 2lbs a week, and some of that could be water weight, bloating, etc...but it feels really good to already be down 6lbs. Maybe I'll do pictures next time. Though I highly doubt there'd be much of a difference.

Day Six: Off to a good start

Well it's been six days already and I have to say I'm off to a good--no, great--start. There was one day that I didn't bother too much to count calories, but as I've already decided that I'm going to allot myself one day a month to do that, I'm not disappointed. However, I do wish I had a bit more support from my family, but I knew from the start I probably wouldn't get what I wanted from them, and that's ok.

I'm realizing that when I eat healthier, and even when I'm eating less, I don't have as many cravings and I'm not as hungry as when I was eating nothing but crap. I suppose it's because I'm getting just what my body needs. Right now, though, I'm trying to figure out a way to cut back a little more on the fat. My plan, based on what I know of nutrition and biochem, is that about 40-50% of my calories should be from carbs, and fats and proteins should be between 25-30% each. However, I'd prefer if fat were 20-25%. Something I should work on a bit over the next week.

As far as exercising goes, well, I'm still being lazy. I need to get off my ass and stop making excuses such as the weather and my period (which I'm finally glad I got after not getting one last month. Anyone else have irregular periods when their weight is higher? Something I should see an ob-gyn about, perhaps since it could be something else.) If I'm not doing something 4 day a week by the time I start class, I really should sit down and write out a schedule. I hate doing it, but I tend to stick to things better when they're on paper.

I'm also working on determining and setting some mini-goals--and perhaps "rewards" for them. A little incentive never hurt...

Day One: Expectations and Goals (repost)

Having grandiose plans to lose weight and actually having practical goals are two separate things, I suppose. Every time I've tried in the past, I've aimed towards the improbable--not thinking for once that I was already one foot in the "grave." So this time, I'm changing my mindset before I change my lifestyle.

Expectations

• I will be honest, not just with others, but also with myself: For me, this isn't the easiest part. Most of the people I know and keep in contact with are friends I have met online--which keeps who I am and what I look like comfortably anonymous. And not that I really believe that I have to divulge more information than makes me comfortable, it allows room for the illusion to cloud my own vision of myself.
• Takes things slowly, one step at a time: In the past I've always rushed, frantic to start losing--and only fell flat on my face. Now I realize than in order to succeed, I need a strong foundation, and that means speed isn't a priority.
• Make changes for life, not for right now: This isn't a diet. I won't stop eating things because "when I'm thin I won't have to worry so much." When I'm healthy and at my goal weight, I'll still have the same predisposition to put on weight--that's genetic and metabolic. I have to change the way I approach and feel about food.

Goals

• To adopt a regular exercise routine by the end of February.
• To eat a well balanced diet, with fewer processed foods, more fruits and vegetables, and less fats.
• To not brood on failure, but to see each relapse or misstep as a learning experience.
• To reach my goal weight within two years time: 150lbs.